I haven’t been blogging for a reason. Or really, for a hundred different reasons that piled on top of each other until I was too exhausted to even try to pull something true out of myself and put it on paper.
After years of fear, anxiety, shame, and hiding, I’m finally starting to feel the sun on my face again. I’ve been in survival mode, unable to write anything personal or funny or vulnerable because I was using all my resources to get my arms around the enormity of the situation before me, and all my energy to get out of bed in the morning and make it till I could crawl back in at night. It’s been a long process—and I have a long road ahead of me yet—but today I am standing on my own feet, getting healthy (because I have lots of work to do, which I’m sure we’ll talk about later), and living a big, beautiful life.
The only thing I’m very sure of right now is that God is kinder and more compassionate than I dared to imagine. I have been bitterly angry. He still held me close. I have questioned and blamed Him. He took it patiently and never turned away. I have become accustomed to the kind of sadness that washes over you in waves and leaves you teary and wobbly in the middle of a perfectly good, sunshiny day. He has been gently, persistently present in every moment. When I was keeping secrets, afraid and hopeless, He knew and He saw me.
Here’s the truth about my life right now:
I’m a single mom, a grad student, working full time–seemingly alone. And yet completely surrounded by friends and family members who prop me up when I’m too tired or emotionally bent to stand.
And miraculously, I’m okay.
At least, I’m in the process of being okay.
The thing I thought would end me—that great ugly fear—served as the catalyst to bring healing to places I didn’t know were broken.
I’ve been evaluating what kind of life I want for myself, rediscovering (or discovering for the first time) the things that make me happy. I keep coming back to blogging. I write a lot for school and work, but this outlet has always been special to me. It’s the raw kind of honesty I find myself in need of at the moment.
Whew. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can move on to talking about other things, hopefully with a little more humor and a whole lot of vulnerability.
Here’s to starting over.